Happy Hallowe'en!

Monster Mash Song

Tools ... And How To Use Them

 

Band Saw:

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut large pieces into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

Belt Sander:

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

Channel Locks:

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

 

Common Screwdriver:

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

 

Drill Press:

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

 

Hacksaw:

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

Hammer:

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

 

Hydraulic Floor Jack:

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

 

Oxyacetylene Torch:

Used almost entirely for igniting various flammable objects in your shop and creating a fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

 

Phillips Screwdriver:

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

 

Pry Bar:

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

PVC Pipe Cutter:

A tool used to make plastic pipe too short.

 

Skill Saw:

A portable cutting tool used to make boards too short.

Table Saw:

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. Very effective for digit removal!!

 

Two-Ton Engine Hoist:

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of all the crap you forgot to disconnect.

 

Utility Knife:

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door. Works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

Vise-Grips:

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

Wire Wheel:

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh crap'.

 

Damn It Tool:

Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Damn It' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

A California To Texas Translation Guide

OMG! Obama Drinks Water!

Just think, according to the left mouthpiece Lame Stream Media if this picture had been in circulation before the election he never would have been re-elected. This would have ruined his political career.

Disgrace I tell you, disgrace!

Seasons Greetings From Our Legal Team

Please accept without obligation, implied or implicit, the wishor’s best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, politically correct, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the winter holiday; practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all; and a financially successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2013, but with due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures or sects, and having regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform or dietary preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting you are bound by these terms that:

This greeting is subject to further clarification or withdrawal.

This greeting is freely transferable provided that no alteration shall be made to the original greeting and that the proprietary rights of the wishor are acknowledged.

This greeting implies no promise by the wishor to actually implement any of the wishes.

This greeting may not be enforceable in certain jurisdictions and/or the restrictions herein may not be binding upon certain wishees in certain jurisdictions and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wishor.

This greeting is warranted to perform as reasonably as may be expected within the usual application of good tidings, for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first.

The wishor warrants this greeting only for the limited replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wishor.

Any references in this greeting to “the Lord”, “Father Christmas”, “Our Saviour”, or any other festive figures, whether actual or fictitious, dead or alive, shall not imply any endorsement by or from them in respect of this greeting, and all proprietary rights in any referenced third party names and images are hereby acknowledged.

Now that that is out of the way, Merry CHRISTmas y'all!

Now Let's Move Fword To Ousting O'Blamo

Zazzle.com
Isn't it glorious!??

Since the voting yesterday in the recall election for Scott Walker, looks like the union thugs have been sent home with their tails between their legs with empty wallets.

Sweet.

It just doesn't get any better than this.

Except ...

When O'blamo gets removed from office!

Oh yeah. That'll be even sweeter.

At least for now, for the communist union it was indeed a terrible night in Wisconsin. The only bright spot in the events was the absurd glorious poem and song that one of our never ending moronic progressive leaders, Gwen Moore D-Wis., energized the crowd with. Congress-person Moore is a pathetic great example of the lack of glorious intellect and articulation of the leftist allies. We don't need more progressives like Gwen Moore in office. Please enjoy the nauseating glorious song "Hit the Road, Scott" as it begins at the 2:00 minute point. It brought knots of acid reflux to my stomach and tears of laughter to my eyes. Comrade Moore followed the steps of Dear Leader into political leadership. She has a pulse and began as a Community Agitator Organizer and then into elected office. An example of how not to act to us all.



To quote our Veep, now this is a big f***** deal.

10 Words I Don’t Want To Hear Anymore

10 Words I Don’t Want To Hear Anymore
by Sparky

There are some misused, or made up words and phrases that are getting on my very last nerve. Below are ten of them:

1. Bad Ass ~ When tattoos where scarce and one whispered the name Hell’s Angels under ones breath for fear of being heard, this phrase used to hold some meaning. But now due to overuse it’s lost all it‘s thrill. I also see this phrase a lot when perusing Craigslist.com looking for another motorcycle. It’s not gonna make me buy your product! Grow up, would ya?!

2. Climate Change ~ The weather is always changing. Stop being politically correct about something that’s perfectly normal.

3. Crisis ~ A Zombie attack would be a crisis, otherwise, very few happenings are. Using this word out of context diminishes true crisis’s if or when they occur.

4. Epidemic ~ Fox News had some overpaid do-gooder Holier Than Thou guest spouting that one again this morning. He said that ‘1/3 Americans are obese and that it’s an “epidemic” …’. Excuse me?! That’s not an epidemic. A virus killing thousands or turning them into Zombie’s would be an epidemic. Besides, this just means that 2/3 of Americans are undernourished. My opinion is to put them on a milk shake diet and they‘ll be healthy.

5. Fetus ~ This modern word robs children of their humanity so women won’t feel guilty committing murder.

6. Frickin’ ~ Ok, I know this word is used to replace another unnamed filthy word. We all know what it is. It’s juvenile. I’m really, really tired of hearing “frickin’” this and “frickin’” that! English is the most beautiful, versatile language in the world. If one must be melodramatic about every event in your otherwise boring lives, please try a more appropriate adjective? Thanks so much.

7. Like ~ Using “like” out of context is annoying in the extreme. A good slap on the head by their parents should put a stop to that.

8. Miss Spoke ~ Plain and simple, this new phrase is a cover up used by politicians (think Clinton) for the old familiar word LIE. You don’t “misspeak”, you lie. It’s more liberal double-speak.

9. Near Miss ~ This one never has made any sense to me. When two airplanes fly past one another, they either MISS or HIT each other. There’s no such thing as a “near” miss.

10. Viral ~ There has to be a better word than this. Perhaps “popular“? Viral sounds like an epidemic to me.

Well, I feel better.

That’s my list. What’s yours?

Obama Resigns

April fools

... but one can dream ... can't one ...

If God Had Voicemail

I saw this on another blog and couldn't resist:

"Thank you for calling heaven.

I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.

If you would like to speak to:
God, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
The Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.

To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.) For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16

For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.

If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor."

Read more: http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Joke-of-the-Day/Daily-Joke.aspx#ixzz1GDXYjeJX

Hurry! While Supplies Last.

The New GM 2010

The New GM (Government Motors) Proudly Introduces
The 2010 PelObama

This car runs on hot air and broken promises.

It has three wheels that speed the vehicle through tight left turns
(careful, just like the names says, it's not very stable!).

It comes complete with two TelePrompters programmed to help
the occupants talk their way out of any violations as they
change moment to moment.

The transparent canopy reveals the plastic smiles still on the faces
of all the 'happy' owners.

Comes in Petite and Small sizes.

It won't get you to work, but hey,
there aren't any jobs anyway!

What I Want For Christmas

Need I say more??!!
Well, I will say this,
I witnessed this little bad in action
on Lock 'N Load with R. Lee Ermey.
It's only costs $80,000 PER SHOT. Ouch!


How do you like our new family photo? :)

Maxine Explains California

Do you know what happened 159 years ago this fall ... back in 1850?


California became a state.
The people had no electricity.
The state had no money.
Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically nothing has changed since then ...
except then the women had real breasts and the men didn't hold hands.

Norton Commando Transformer by Steve Twist

This is so clever. Y'all gotta see this. Enjoy!



Happy 4th of July Everyone. :o)

We're Having A Heatwave, A Tropical Heatwave

It is sooooo hot ... I know "how hot is it?"

Well, it is so hot, I'll bet I could fry an egg on the sidewalk! During daylight hours the heat index has been hovering right about 116 degrees.

Day, after day, after day, after day, after frickin' day ... [lol]

Wow.

So, how about some humor, to, eh, lighten the situation.

What is the Mexican weather report?
Chili today and hot tamale.


If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?


Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave. As he got out of the shower he said to his wife: "It's just too hot to wear clothes today honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."


Ok, ok, I won't make you suffer with any more lame jokes. Have a great day y'all and try to stay cool. Happy summer soltice. :o)


I just know that after receiving our electric bill, I'm gonna look like that too ...[groan]

Fun Time At The Hospital

WELL! I don't know about you, but I am so glad that yesterday 'is in the can', as I've heard them say in the film industry.

Gosh, what a day. It wasn't bad, just long and tedious. Our hospital rents the machine that does the kidney stone pounding (can't remember the name of the machine).

First, the truck hauling it broke down enroute. The hospital called us at home, "don't show up until 10:30 am". No problem. We arrived at the appointed time. Hubby gets prepped with needles in his arms so he can't move on the gurney. Then, we learn that the machine itself is 'broke' or malfuntioning in some way. We had to wait until 2:00 pm for Fed Ex to rush a part from somewhere. Then the doctor is so backed up with work that he can't get to Steve until about 5:30 pm.

With all this going on, we didn't return home until 9:30 pm! We were gone about 12 hours. The house was dark, doggies were worried and both of us were so tired. Steve had terrible nausea this time for some reason. He *never* throws up but did so twice last night. Poor guy. And I felt sorry for the hospital staff. They were tired too and couldn't go home for quite awhile. I thanked them all profusely, they kept apologizing and I said "it's not y'alls fault". We all had to smile and laugh at the comedy of errors. The staff were exceedingly kind. I got to talk about the love of Christ to quite a few people too. To me, that's a good day.

Our pastor and wife were able to visit with us that afternoon in the hospital and he looked tired (he's had heart trouble). I didn't know that he also has kidney stones but they can't be removed because of the pacemaker and he may bleed to death! Please continue to remember Pastor Byron Scott in prayer? Thanks y'all. Anyway, I made sure to keep the visit short so he wouldn't feel bad about having to leave and get some rest. Pastor said he's napping twice a day now. I hope that's a good thing. We all prayed together, then they could go home and relax. Their stopping by meant a lot to us. At least they live right there in town and only had to travel a couple of miles to get home. We live over 30 minutes from the hospital. That's not bad out here as it's "country minutes". All country driving, not much traffic. :o)

Short story long [giggle] all my husband's kidney stones have been pounded with sonic waves and a stint put in the right side to ease passage. The stint is scheduled to be removed in the Doc's office next Tuesday. Now the remains of the stones should pass as grains of sand and small pebbles as time progresses. Poor fellow is so sore and achy but at least now he can heal and, after about a week or so, get back to his normal activities.

Thanks so much for all the kind thoughts. I will certainly convey y'alls warm wishes his way.

You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream For Ice Cream

In honor of the 44th President of the United States
Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: "Barocky Road."

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes.

The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient.

The nuts and flakes are all very bitter and hard to swallow.

The cost is $100.00 per scoop.

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but then the ice cream is taken away and given to an undeserving person in line behind you.

You are left with an empty wallet and no change, holding an empty cone with no hope of ever getting any ice cream.

Now, isn't that stimulating!?


Now, how about a funny video just for good measure:



Have a great weekend y'all! :o)