Al-Qaeda Kidnaps Obama's Teleprompter

In an audacious raid Friday, al-Qaeda terrorists managed to slip past White House security and seize President Obama's teleprompter. Their demands were released in a grainy video, which apparently showed the president's teleprompter, bound and blindfolded but unharmed, while heavily armed masked men stood behind it, quoting from the Qur'an. The content of their demands is not being released.

Mr. Obama, visibly shaken, attempted to address the White House press corps on his own. "Words, uh, um, I, uh, heh-heh, well ..."

Bravely attempting to continue his speech without the teleprompter, Mr. Obama said, "Um, let me be, uh, clear. Um, this barbaric act will not be, you know, tolerated. And... We call on all nations to help us fi-fi-find that, uh, you know, teleprompter. You're either with us or, um, against us. And... I have authorized CIA director, uh, Leon Panetta to use, um, enhanced interrogation techniques to be e-e-employed to help us gain, um, like facts and stuff... that these uh, you know, evildoers may have. And... I have directed that one prisoner be executed every 30 minutes until they-they-they restore that, uh, you know, teleprompter."

Vice President Joseph "Fightin' Joe" Biden spoke next. "Let me at 'em!" the former senator growled. "I know where these people work. After our helicopter was forced down in Afghanistan, I held these thugs off for a week in bitter hand-to-hand fighting. You'd better mark my words: the only language these Neanderthals understand is brute force, and they're messing with the wrong man. Sure everybody thinks we're a bunch of imbeciles up here, and that may be true, but let me tell you, they've got another thing coming. We're in this fight for the long haul, or as I like to say it, 'If necessary for years, if necessary alone.'"

"Until that teleprompter is found," fumed Senate majority leader Harry Reid, we must, and we will prosecute this war to victory. I assure the president of the full, bipartisan support of the US Senate. Defeat is not an option."


"Why these terrorist animals aren't on the rack having their bones slowly pulled out of their sockets is beyond me," complained House speaker Nancy Pelosi. "I mean, I know that the 9-11 attacks were totally inappropriate, and like all Americans I was shocked by the environmental damage, but this latest action is beyond the pale. Clearly, it points to the failure of the last administration," continued Pelosi. "Contrary to my urgings to use any medieval form of torture they could conceive of, they insisted on being overly concerned about the rights and humane treatment of these, these, ugh! I don't care if I personally have to pull out their fingernails with rusty pliers! That teleprompter must be restored to the American people."

In the meantime, the Pentagon has cancelled all leave while anonymous sources report that the Strategic Air Command and nuclear missile submarines have had their level of readiness raised to DEFCON 1.

Source

Hey, it could happen ... [lol!!!]

An Example Of Typical Phone Lines In India

Click To Enlarge
My husband is a retired telephone man and was just appalled at the tangled mess! Can you imagine the headaches fixing these?? And this is where we call when there is a technical problem with a computer.

And yet another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

Grandpa Tell Me 'Bout The Good 'Ol Days

I thought it would be fun to share some of the drugs that were legal in the good 'ol days.

Bayer's HeroinA bottle of Bayer's heroin. Between 1890 and 1910 heroin was sold as a non-addictive substitute for morphine. It was also used to treat children with strong cough.

[hack] [hack] "Pass the Heroin, would ya dear? I feel a cold coming on."


Metcalf Coca Wine was one of a huge variety of wines with cocaine on the market. Everybody used to say that it would make you happy and it would also work as a medicinal treatment.


Mariani wine (1875) was the most famous Coca wine of it's time. Pope Leo XIII used to carry one bottle with him all the time. He awarded Angelo Mariani (the producer) with a Vatican gold medal.


Produced by Maltine Manufacturing Company of New York. It was suggested that you should take a full glass with or after every meal. Children were supposed to take half a glass.


Here's a paper weight promoting C. F. Boehringer & Soehne (Mannheim, Germany). They were proud of being the biggest producers in the world of products containing Quinine and Cocaine.

Maybe the Columbian's should mass produce these now? They could give them to the Mexicans to pass along to the black gangs in L.A. and they give them out as souvenirs with each purchase.

Just thinking out loud here.


Opium for Asthma. Now this one mystifies me. I don't see how opium would help someone with asthma unless it helped them not to give a rats @$$.

Who needs air when you've got pink elephants dancing on the head of a pin, right? [lol]


Cocaine Tables from 1900All stage actors, singers, teachers and preachers had to have them for a maximum performance. Great to "smooth" the voice.

This explains some of the strange sermons and beliefs I've read about from that time period ...


Cocaine drops were very popular for children in 1885. Not only did they relieve the pain, they made the children happy!

No doubt.


And lastly, there was opium for newborns. I'm sure this would make them sleep well because not only is it Opium, but it's also 46% alcohol.

No comment.


And now you know why it's always called the Good 'Ol Days! They .. were .. just .. one .. big .. blur .....

If you own a car, stay tuned for this important announcement

How many of you have seen this obnoxious commercial? I’ve never actually listened to it since I’m quick with the ‘mute’ button. Take note of that advertisers. It’s not being listened to in the Sparky Household.

But this commercial lead me to thinking about this:

You know how the government loves to tax our ’assets’? How dare they call my car, truck and motorcycles assets!!

We have bought tires, paid innumerable local taxes, road taxes, licenses, insurance, waxes, soaps, special washing tools, oil, filters, repairs, CD’s to play in these overpriced lumps of metal while moving rapidly at unsafe speeds, speeding tickets, taken driving lessons, bought a gazillon gallons of gasoline, paid yet more taxes, built another carport, key chains, extra keys … [gasping for breath]

The list goes on and on.

How dare they classify these money suckers on wheels as ‘assets’!


Also, I was reading that there will be no marriage between Volkswagen and Porsche. Forbes

They should move to Massachusetts. They’re not chosey and anything can get married there: animal, vegetable or mineral ... living or dead.

I wonder which one should wear the ring?

Also, there are so many car dealerships closing in America. Forbes

Everybody knows that unless they live on a desert island with their fingers in their ears and have no satellite TV.

It seems that this could not be a good thing but maybe, just maybe, there is a silver lining to all this?

Most people, when asked, do not like to deal with car salesmen.

Therefore, I would like to make a proposal. Pay attention here car manufacturers. You should get directly into the retail market by offering vehicles on-line so that potential car buyers can order from the manufacturer. There could also be major car lots of spankin’ new vehicles in large cities (Atlanta, Miami, etc.) where we could all go to either pick the vehicle of our dreams with a set price or have your special order brought to you by careful driving retirees for a small delivery fee. Or, on a flat bed truck if it makes one more comfortable, I’m easy.

Hmmmmmm? Now, just say “I do”.

I think it might work out well that way. It would certainly cut costs AND keep the manufacturers cranking out vehicles. It should save current jobs and create many real jobs, not made-up pointless government jobs.

My husband also suggested having authorized service centers that would specialize in that particular car or truck and take care of all warranty service. Keep the overhead low. They could be offered from any location that is convenient to the bulk of the customers.

So, car making guys, are you with me so far?

This is basic economics and good customer relations: offer what the customer wants and give good service, keep the overhead low and pass the savings on to the consumer. Everybody’s happy.

Use this economic downturn as an incentive to better yourselves not walk around with your hands out.

Capitalism works. Socialism doesn’t.

I’m just saying.

And that’s my two cents.


Now, let’s talk about houses. How dare the government call this thing an ‘asset’ …

New Cruise Package Available

I was checking cruise lines because I heard the rates are very cheap right now. I found a Somalia cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan) and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania).

What I found interesting and enlightened is that the cruise is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the cruise. If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They claim to have a master gunsmith on board and will have reloading parties every afternoon. The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3,200 per person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and down the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates.

Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package:

* $800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing).
M-16 full auto rental $ 25.00/day ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armor piercing ammo at 15.95.
* Ak-47 riffle @ No charge. ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at 14.95.
* Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle rental 55.00/day ammo at 25 rounds 50 cal armor piercing at 9.95.
* Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope included).
* They even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3 standard loads.
* "Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am."
* Meals are not included but seem reasonable.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar ... these gung ho entrepreneurs offer ... get this ... "MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ 450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire".

"Sign my arse up!", I proclaimed to the computer screen.

They advertise group rates and corporate discounts and even claim "FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY". Sounds like good wholesome fun to me.

They even offer a partial money back if not satisfied.

Here's some text from the ad:

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included). How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking? We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an attempted Hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise by at 4 knots. We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the entire length of Somalia. At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is limited so respond quickly. Reserve your package before Feb 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo in the caliber of your choice."

-----+-----

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few testimonials.

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list
---- Lars, Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and my 12yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0 -PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks English."
---- Ned, Salt Lake city, Utah USA

"I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM. Don't worry about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship with those weapons they use and their crappy aim. Kinda reminds me of a drunken 'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam."
---'Chopper' Dan, Toledo USA

"Like shooting ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by sharks. What a laugh riot!! This is a must do."
--- Zeke, Minnahaw Springs, Kentucky USA


Finally, someone had the common sense to cash in AND solve a major problem. These folks deserve a medal!

My Day In Pictures

So ... I come in from outside and have a cold one ...


... I turn on my beloved Fox Business News ...
and they're freakin' out over a (real or imagined) flu pandemic ...

Trust Me
... that our oh so wise government claims is real ...


... but quite frankly, I don't see what the big deal is about Panda's!? Do you?


Hey, I ain't scared.
I think I can take 'em when he looks the other way ...


(BTW, I turned the news off. I'm watching Arny beat up some bad guy Terrorists in a movie. And not to diminish their suffering but only 3 people got this flu in New York City at last count ... and, let's see, there's 8 million living there now ... right? Nope, not concerned a bit.)

Roll, Roll, Roll In Zee ... Hey!?

Wouldn't you really hate to be the one to try and rescue him!?







By the way, he's not dead and badgers can give a nasty bite.

I wonder where this is? There are no wild badgers in SE Georgia. I received these images in an e-mail from a friend who did not state the location.

Got any stuck in hay jokes y'all ... that can be repeated in mixed company. :o)

Anyway, I am pretty sure this qualifies as one of the things that really pisses a badger off …

World's Shortest Books

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore

MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev. Al Sharpton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction by Rev. Jesse Jackson

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

THINGS I KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry

HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE OVER BRIDGES
by Ted Kennedy

A COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS IN THE US SENATE
by Barak Hussein Obama, Jr.

... and just added ...

MY COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILIARY STRATEGY
By Nancy Pelosi

Now We Know The Real Reason Buddy Died

Some Southern Molearchy

Mole
I hope he knew his The Ten Commolements because he's now in Mole ... whatever.

Lucy saved the day as Maxie lazily looks on.
I'm going to get Lucy some "Have Boxer Will Travel" cards.

"You want a piece of me Mole??"
For your entertainment, I found a couple of websites pertaining to Mole humor. There is actually a Mole Day in October. Geez, who knew moles could be so humorous? They're just fur bearin' pesty critters in this yard.

Funny Moles Pictures And Some Jokes
Mole Day Jokes

I won't subject you to any mole, ah, I mean, more puns ...


... promise.

♥ ∞

Cold Comfort Farm (1995)

Another obscure, quiet movie y'all may have missed is the English film "Cold Comfort Farm" (1995, comedy).

Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons is a comic novel. It was made into a movie and released to the public in 1996.

The setting is England in the early 1930's, 20 year old Flora Poste, a recently orphaned 19-year-old socialite, moves in with her country relatives, the gloomy Starkadders of Cold Comfort Farm. Everyone on the gloomy farm is completely around the twist, but Flora tries to sort everything out. But Flora discovered a new branch of her family tree ... the one with all the nuts.

It's one comic situation after another.

If you're a big fan of English comedy, you'll probably recognize many of the cast.

Some Of The Cast:

Joanna Lumley as Mrs. Smiling (of AbFab fame)

Kate Beckinsale as the orphaned Flora Poste

Ian McKellen as the overly religious Amos Starkadder

Miriam Margolyes as the sensible housekeeper Mrs. Beetle


Part 1 of 10
Here ya go Lanny. Now you can waste another afternoon at YouTube ... tee hee

Let me know if you've seen this movie. I now have it on DVD and never tire of watching it. Enjoy!

♥ ∞

Writer's Block And A Joke Or Two

I have a serious case of Writer's Block this week. I can't get interested in anything at the moment.

Could be the weather ... (Baby, it's cold outside)

Could be the recovery time from my neck surgery is taking so *&#$^% long and I haven't been able to ride ... [whimper]

Could be the tanking ecomony ... (What was your first clue?!)

Could be my 'stars' are not aligned right in the heavens ...

Could be ... ah, heck who knows?? Any excuse would fit.

I .. am .. not .. a .. ray .. of .. sunshine .. today ..

Sooooo ...

How about a little humor to brighten the day and pass the time?

++ A Joke For The Gentlemen ++
How To Understand Estrogenese

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

++ A Joke For The Ladies ++
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

+++
Hope I at least made ya smile!

And maybe this uncharacteristic sour mood and lack of ideas will pass in a day or two. [sigh]

♥ ∞

So THAT Is What Those Business Acronyms Really Mean!?

My husband found what is below at one of the MyGreatRides posts. I thought y'all would enjoy the humor this morning:


CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW -- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.


We should have known this all along ...

♥ ∞

Wordless Wednesday (02/18)

Best served with ACORN squash and pulled pork

♥ ∞

Just Joshin' Around

In honor of my 150th post (wow ... have I been having that much fun!!??) here's a few jokes I found at the Triumph 1050 Forum to lighten the mood. Enjoy! :o)


WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL
NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets bad,
I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

In just two days from now,
tomorrow will be yesterday.

A bartender is just a pharmacist
with a limited inventory

The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.

I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.

I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.

KENTUCKY:
Five million people,
Fifteen last names.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.

Preserve the Spotted Owl
(in formaldehyde)

Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

I like cats too.
Let's exchange recipes.

Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Don't sweat the petty things.
and don't ever pet the sweaty things.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

♥ ∞

Happy Valentines Day

Like you know I had to have something with 2 wheels and a motor in it ... 'k???!! So don't pretend to be shocked ...

[snort]

Definate ((Hugs)) all around from your goofy bloggy friend!

Happy Valentine's Day Y'all!

♥ ∞

Funny Motorcycle

In 1974, Steve rode his 1973 BMW R75/3 to the Daytona Bike Week (Daytona Beach, Florida). He noticed the motorcycle below and snapped a photo. I wish he had obtained the fellow's name who owned the bike but alas that is lost to history.

Front

Back
Oh, and the bike is a Harley Davidson Electra Glide, year unknown. I wonder how the guy could see where he's going!?

Ride safe y'all! :o)

**UPDATE 19 February 2009: We are now famous!! Costas Schuler "The Pen Man" at Art Car used these photos in one of his posts. Check him out! He has a wonderful site. I plan on also making a small donation to keep him on-line. ***


♥ ∞