Thursday, March 5, 2009

Writer's Block And A Joke Or Two

I have a serious case of Writer's Block this week. I can't get interested in anything at the moment.

Could be the weather ... (Baby, it's cold outside)

Could be the recovery time from my neck surgery is taking so *&#$^% long and I haven't been able to ride ... [whimper]

Could be the tanking ecomony ... (What was your first clue?!)

Could be my 'stars' are not aligned right in the heavens ...

Could be ... ah, heck who knows?? Any excuse would fit.

I .. am .. not .. a .. ray .. of .. sunshine .. today ..


Sooooo ...


How about a little humor to brighten the day and pass the time?

++ A Joke For The Gentlemen ++

How To Understand Estrogenese

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

++ A Joke For The Ladies ++

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so he went to a psychiatrist.

The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.

He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.

The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.

Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The funeral director," said his wife.

+++

Hope I at least made ya smile!

And maybe this uncharacteristic sour mood and lack of ideas will pass in a day or two. [sigh]

♥ ∞

11 comments:

Janeen said...

Good morning my friend! Sounds like you've temporarily lost your bloggy mojo but your on track for a quick recovery with humor as your best medicine.

I like to watch Christian Comedian Chandra Pierce on You Tube when I need a pick~me~up. Check her out, it will make you laugh. Perhaps, even give you some material to blog about. ;)

Have a great day!

Midlife, menopause, mistakes and random stuff... said...

Hey don't worry......it happens to us all. You'll have a "huge" breakthrough in a couple of days and have so much to write about that you won't be able to stop typing :)
Take good care and.......

Steady On
Reggie Girl

Marie Reed said...

You did make me smile :) I'm kinda grumpy today too.... I have a runny nose and I gave up coffee for Lent to be silly and because I've been drinking to much... I'm Jewish anyway so I think that I should just break down and drink some pure caffeine!!

Mildred said...

Very cute and I am smiling!!!

Linda said...

Oh, I hear ya, Sparky. Really I do. Blessings

MuseSwings said...

Sparky! You ARE a freakin' ray of sunshine. Funeral Director Bwahahah! It's partly the winter blas and all that other stuff. Wallow in it. Put your feet up, find a good movie to watch and a good book to read and have a relaxing day.

Carey's Corner said...

Your list of trigger words and physical mannerisms reminded me of a Dirty Harry movie line, "Go ahead make my day." Minus the Smith&Wesson 44 Magnum I hope.

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

Hey Janeen ~ I'll definately check out Chandra Pierce. I like good, clean humor. Thanks! I had a great day 'cause you dropped by. :o)

Reggie Girl ~ I hope I do shake this mood. I think it's the promise of Spring and I can't do any gardening yet. [sigh] I'll be OK ... I'll be OK ... [tee hee]

Marie ~ I hope the runny nose isn't anything more than sinus congestion. Oh dear, never give up Coffee!! Oy!! You'd have to shot me before I'd give THAT up! [giggle]

Mildred ~ I'm so happy I could give away a smile. You make me smile by dropping by.

Linda ~ Thanks. I am blessed because I have so many wonderful friends (see there, my spirits are starting to lift already!!). :o)

Muse Woosey ~ Know what I did? I went SHOPPING!! WAHOO!! I just helped the local economy ... $$cha-ching$$. Now I put my feet up. Thanks for the good advice. :o)

Carey ~ Har Har ... I think you've figured me out. But my weapons of choice are Keltec and Ruger. They cost less and fit my hands better, and that way I can buy more ammo. Bwaaahhaa!

Y'all sure brighten my day!! Thanks for stopping by. ♥ ∞

Carey's Corner said...

Thanks for commenting on my new icon. I learned something new about you being a volunteer firefighter. The irony of a firefighter named Sparky makes me laugh. BTW, my new blog site picture is the Texas Hill Country.
I would love to meet yall when you visit our way, but I have commitments and another doctors visit scheduled.

JBA said...

Got a surprise fer ya....

girlsinwhitedresses said...

Well, I hope your recovery is complete VERY soon. I know it seems like those things take forever when you're the one waiting! I have encountered writer's block already, and my blog is only a few months old. Aghhh!! Well, keep it up dear - you never fail to make me smile or nod in agreement!
Susan