Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The Great Vegetable Massacre

Caution! This post is not for the faint of heart. Or the humorless. *smile*

I have done something so epically stupid, so incredibly dumb, that it should go down in the annuals of DUMBNESS. What I did is so historically legendary brainless that it should be passed down by oral or written tradition as something one should not do. Moi deserves a picture in Websters next to the word DUMB.

"a dumb question"
synonyms: stupid, unintelligen, ignorant, dense, brainless, mindless, foolish, slow, dull, simple, empty-headed, stunned, vacuous, vapid, idiotic, half-baked, imbecilic, bovine; see Sparky

What have a done to warrant such self deprecating abuse? Well, you may ask.

Our first attempt at home gardening in eight or nine years had been progressing very nicely. The little seeds so lovingly planted, prayed for, watched daily, and monitored unceasingly where flourishing with all the gentle care. They had even survived the over watering from the Spring rains. But oh Bright One Wannabe here, noticed the plants needed a little fertilizer. All they needed was a little boost. A little artificial nourishment lovingly administered by it's hungry caregivers. It was also determined that our lush centipede grass needs attention. The grass has been assaulted by an odious little weed called Spurge. A nasty small weed that's slowly choking out the grass. So, after a trip to the local Ace, and purchasing the proper fertilizers for each necessity, Hubby and I set about taking care of the beloved plants. He carefully weeded between all the rows in the Springtime swelter, fighting off the bugs and the dizziness­­ from lack of exercise. I carefully set about laying the fertilizer beside each plant, making sure to not touch the stems or leaves. It was tedious, nauseating, fatiguing work which my body is loudly rebelling against. I'm not accustomed to forced labor anymore. But, I wasn't complaining as my mouth was anxiously awaiting the yummy food yet to come.

This afternoon, my husband went out and checked the plants. He came rushing in with his face all ashen white. I ask, what's wrong??! He replied, "They're dieing!" WHAT!? Horrors of horrors, he's right. The vegetables are all wilted and burnt! What happened?!

I did a little investigating of the packages and guess who picked up the wrong fertilizer and proceeded to destroy the vegetables? Yep. Me. The epically DUMB blond woman. I am hanging my head in shame. Now all the beautiful little seedlings are withering away in a slow and premature death.

I am dutifully ashamed.

I think I even heard their little voices whispering last night.

"Why did they DO this to US!!??"

"I don't feel so good ..."

"They seemed so nice too ..."

"Don't they LOVE us?!"

[That had to be the Green Beans. I've never trusted something with strings in it anyway. *lol*]

Kinda creepy when the plants trash talk. But I've betrayed them.

I'm such a coward that I can't even bring myself to go out there and look the little guys in the face. I am so ashamed!

This is not ending well. *sigh* And not only is spreading the wrong fertilizer killing the existing seedlings, it's pretty much salted the earth for the rest of the season. Unless, that is, I want to get out there in the heat and bugs and scrape the ground free of said debauchery.

Hubby said that possibly we can replant in a couple of weeks but I feel discouraged. After all that hard work. Ruined! The weeks of waiting and loving care. We no longer can look forward to enjoying the homegrown fare. No more looking forward to our own mouthwatering Ford Hook Limas, Green Beans, Cucumbers, Zucchini, or Yellow Squash. I think the Tomatoes survived the massacre but only because Hubby fertilized them with the CORRECT package marked "Tomatoes And Vegetables". Everything else seems to be a wash out.

So, while every one else is enjoying their homegrown vegetables this summer, I will still be humbly skulking through the produce section at Kroger. I just hope I don't have to hide in humiliation by wearing a paper bag over my head. Even though I deserve it. *lol*

Ride Safe,


Jason and Michelle said...

That's sad. I'm sorry about your garden. It's just now starting to warm up here, my lettuce and kale are beginning to come up. Are there any veggies that may grow with the type of fertilizer you put down?

Tina Leigh said...

Good grief... What did you put on them?
When the first orchard here was just a couple years old, Danny fertilized the trees. In just a short time we noticed the tops were dying. We have to fertilize a couple times..sometimes 3 a year. Dan had put the ENTIRE growing seasons worth of fertilizer on the trees... Almost killed 500 pecan trees! Burnt the fool out of them!

Last year we had to replant our garden 3x's b/c of wash out.

Are the "Super Gnats" worse than ever at your house? I've never seen them so bad and nothing detours them!!

Hang in there! Don't throw the towel in yet... Can you flood it out?

DaBlade said...

That's a bummer, but at least you have a sense of humor about it. Just invite Al Roker over for tea next time and you'll get all the fertilizer you need. ew, sorry.

linda said...

I hate it that it happened, but to be honest, it sounds like something I would do too. Jim is the gardner here or was before he got old and sick. I can plant and raise flowers, but not veggies. They will come up in time for some good dishes later this summer. Happy Hump Day!

Monkeywrangler said...

Sorry to hear about the goof up Sparky. You can buy some bags of garden soil, lay the bags down flat and intact and UNOPENED in the garden where the weed killer went, then cut X's into the topside of each bag where you want a plant to grow. Put in some already started (nursery) veggies, one in each X, spaced like you would normally. The bag remains in place all season. You water at the individual plants, into the bag. You use less water because the plastic bag reduces evaporation. You weed less, because the bag prevents weed seeds from landing on the new soil. You protect the new plants from the weedkiller below, because the bag is the barrier. I learned this trick from the MO Extension Office. And finally by using already-started plants, you make up for lost time from the weed killer incident.
Hope this helps!

Simply Linda said...

Hmm..ok..calm down..pull it up, till it..start over. Do exactly what Monkeywrangler said to do..and btw, Dave said the same thing. Just going to take time..but you can do it. Thanks for the smiles..I know you didn't mean for it be smiles and giggles..that is why I leave it all to Dave..I just pick out the seed packs, and that is my contribution, lol--Blessings dear friend.

Sparky @ My Thoughts Exactly said...

@Readers ~ I'm glad everyone saw the humor in what happened. I was trying to make light of it (even though inside I'm weeping and beating myself up). So sorry to hear that others have made these same mistakes! Never let a blond near deadly things. *giggle* Sometimes I forget that fertilizer is actually a deadly poison when used in the wrong context. I applied the grass Weed and Feed to my once healthy seedlings. *hanging head in shame* :) I did toy with the thought about flooding it but Hubby said "Don't worry about it" and laughed. He's such a fine man! I'm going to use the planting in bags of soil idea that MonkeyWrangler suggested. (I had forgotten how effective that is ... and safer!) Thank you so much for the comments and kind thoughts. I do feel less troubled today. Onward and upward, ey?! *lol*

Patsy said...

Sorry about your garden, that is sad and I know it made you mad as - .But your post was funny!

Thistle Cove Farm said...

It's not too late to get started again; you've got a long growing season. Stop beating yourself up; there's a long line of folks waiting to do that for you...they need no help.