Yesterday Is Dead And Gone

I'm sitting here, staring at the computer screen, wondering what to do next. I've got scads of housewifely chores and garden tasks to do, but I can't seem to get the lead outta my butt today. So, I thought it might help to pen these words. If this is too boring, don't feel like it must be read. I understand.

This week has been one for the Red Bird Acres history books.

Now, I don't consider myself a "good Christian" but with God's help, I try to do good things for other people, within financial and physical limitations, of course. Anything you say bad about me would be absolutely true and then some. Got lots of character flaws that God and I are working on together (I hate to tell Him but He has His work cut out for Him). I've done some things that no human will probably ever know about, for which I am deeply full of shame for and wish beyond measure I could go back and change it. I would. In my more recent history, I've angered unnecessarily two blogging associates which I wish I could take back. But that doesn't stop me from telling others about the love of Jesus Christ. HE is the One who is perfect. HE is the One deserving praise.

With that said ...

The neighbor I have discussed briefly here, Linda, died suddenly this week. I believe she passed either late Sunday evening or early Monday morning but I didn't find her body until yesterday around 3 PM. The Coroner has yet to determine time and cause of death. 'Course, "we all know" what the cause was: a prescription narcotic drug overdose from years of abuse.

Poor thing. Poor tortured soul. Why do people throw their lives away like it's yesterdays rubbish? I don't understand that way of thinking because I love life so much. I can't imagine wanting to end it or be so zonked all the time that I can't ride my motorcycle safey. I love Christ and look forward to being with him forever but do intend to fight to the end. Got lots to do, you know, lots to see ... lots of people to annoy. [wink]

I try witnessing for Christ more. I talked to Linda about being saved shortly after her husband, Doc, passed away on June 7th. She professed Christ verbally, so, I let it go at that with a "ask me if you have any questions" understanding. Oh, and I left her a Holy Bible for reference. I've been trying to be bolder for Christ.

Hubby and I and a few other neighbors have also gone the extra mile for Linda since Doc's passing. We've all taken turns mowing her enormous lawn, picking her up at the hospital after a bout with the drugs, carrying the mail up to the house, bought food for and cared for her six smelly hounds. We tried to help her get the financial side straightened out (my personal expertise, I'm good at putting out paper fires -- you accounting people know of what I speak) but she would not let me in to help. Linda kept complaining she was broke, but wouldn't let me go through her finances with her to assess the situation. I think I could have helped.

I'm not bragging just laying the groundwork for why I was being a nosy neighbor this week.

After three days of calling Linda and getting no response. I rode my little golf cart over to her property and checked on the dogs and mail situation. The mail box was brimming with mail (uh, oh, I thought) and the dogs had no food! Linda never neglected her dogs, even on her benders. The temperatures here have been consistently in the high 90's with 80 percent or more of humidity. The air has been really nasty. All her windows where open and one down stairs had the screen yanked out forcibly. The doors were locked, so I couldn't get in. "Crap" I thought. She must be on a tear this week from the drugs. I called, and hollered, and drove all over her property thinking that maybe she'd wandered out somewhere and collapsed. Not a creature was stirring, except those six smelly hounds.

I drove back to the house deep in thought and decided to call the Sheriff. I hate butting into people's lives but this might be important. I'm such a private person and would want others to respect my "I vant to be alone, dawlink'" if that ever happened. Turns out, the Sheriff, Richard, knew all about her and her little "problem". He dispatched a Deputy and nothing was found. They figured, well, Miss Linda is hiding in her house again (apparently this was a common event, I didn't know that).

Thursday morning I called again, "What's going on Richard? Have you found her?" Richard said, "Hmmm ... Ok, we'll bust in the house this time." And he asked if I would be there in case she gave them trouble. Our little county doesn't have female officers and a woman should be there for any arrests or whatever. I agree. No problem. Hopped in the golf cart again and met the two Deputies at Linda's house. After a moment's discussion, it was decided that one of the Deputies would shinny through the open downstairs window and let us in.

I walked in hollerin' "Linda! Sheriff's office is here. We're in your house. Come out of hiding dear ..." and proceeded to climb the stairs. The Deputy in front of me turned around and said, "I found her. She's at the top of the stairs .... dead. Call EMT's and the Coroner." I felt like someone had grabbed my throat and wouldn't let go. Deputy remarked I shouldn't come up because of the advanced decay, so, I turned around and stood in the living room on the brink of weeping. The other Deputy was also so kind, he kept asking if I was OK. "Yeah, I'm good." I've seen dead people before and I'm an avid hunter. I know what death looks like.

So, I did a good thing, right?

Therefore why am I'm feeling like a failure this morning?

I lay awake last night, sobbing gently, tossing and turning, aching all over, couldn't sleep again. I don't trust feelings because feelings will lie to us. Feelings get us into trouble 9 times out of 10. I try to rely more on facts. This event has me in a quandary. If I can put my finger on it I would say: I guess *I feel* bad that she laid over there for 3 or so days with no one to care or be with her. And *I feel* like we have unfinished business and she left without saying goodbye. We were going to help her, together we could fight this thing.

I need to let go of the *I feel* and go with the facts. Right?

Linda gave up a long time ago and we just came in on the tail end of the story. So sad.

Well, I hope I've learned some valuable personality lessons too, about myself and others. I hope I'll use this new knowledge to be a better Soldier for Christ and a better friend. To Him be the glory, forever and ever. Amen. Thanks for listening.

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." Isaiah 40:31