Don't Mess With Old People

The IRS Vs. GRANDPA

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, ' Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. ' How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks. 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay? ' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it! '

I keep telling you. Don't Mess With Old People!


Ride Safe,

Two Minutes With The Bible ~ Legitimate Prayer

Legitimate Prayer 

by Pastor Cornelius R. Stam

Berean Bible Society

Printer Friendly Version

Prayer, in Old Testament times, was based upon a covenant relationship with God, or it was an appeal to His revealed nature as merciful, gracious, etc. Today it is based upon the redemptive work of Christ, whose death opened the way for us into the Father’s presence. This is why acceptable prayer today is offered “in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ”. With our Lord’s departure from this world in view, He said to His disciples:

“I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father but by Me” (John 14:6).

“Hitherto have ye asked nothing in My name…At that day ye shall ask in My name: and I say not unto you that I will pray the Father for you, for the Father Himself loveth you, because ye have loved Me…” (John 16:24-27).

Thus today we pray directly to the Father in the name of the Son.

Our prayers, however, are often faltering and sometimes the way is so dark before us that we do not even know what to ask for. Thus Paul declared: “We know not what we should pray for as we ought” (Rom.8:26). But he was quick to follow this with the declaration:

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to His purpose” (Rom.8:28).

This is why the Apostle Paul encourages God’s people:

“Be careful [anxious] for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God:

“And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus” (Phil.4:6,7).

“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need” (Heb.4:16).

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To the Reader:
Some of our Two Minutes articles were written many years ago by Pastor C. R. Stam for publication in newspapers. When many of these articles were later compiled in book form, Pastor Stam wrote this word of explanation in the Preface:

"It should be borne in mind that the newspaper column, Two Minutes With the Bible, has now been published for many years, so that local, national and international events are discussed as if they occurred only recently. Rather than rewrite or date such articles, we have left them just as they were when first published. This, we felt, would add to the interest, especially since our readers understand that they first appeared as newspaper articles."

To this we would add that the same is true for the articles written by others that we continue to add, on a regular basis, to the Two Minutes library. We hope that you'll agree that while some of the references in these articles are dated, the spiritual truths taught therein are timeless.

Driving Through The Georgia Backcountry

I packed a hurried repast to satisfy the hunger pains

while ensuring that the camera was charged and ready.

Then we cranked up the trusty "cage"

for a trek through the countryside.

These are a few I, or husband, snapped along the way.

Gladiolus alatus

A local herald of Spring, they're not native but they grow wild here.

Byrd Farm

Ralston Road

Corn field

on Cross Swamp Road

Mother Goose and her two

surviving goslings.

Sinclair Road

Abandoned farm

Ralston Road

Otter Creek

Otter Creek Road

Ride Safe,

(NOTE: More photos reside here. All where taken in Pierce County, Georgia USA)

BMW R 1200 GS Short Rider

You've gotta see this.


Isn't that cool? I'm not confidant enough to pull this stunt on my V-Strom.

Not yet, anyway. *smile*

Ride Safe,

Funny Friday ~ How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral ...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

_________________________________________

Ride Safe,

Life's A Ditch And Then You Die

In 2011, Forbes Magazine Staff writer Rich Karlgaard wrote an article on our ever shrinking economy.

"It’s one thing to fall into a ditch. Quite another to paint and decorate the ditch and call it home. When you hear the U.S. economy has entered a “new normal” period of 2% growth and 9% unemployment, you’re listening to ditch decorators. The economy can do much better. Technology is advancing. Most people want to better themselves. There’s no reason to stay in this rut." Source

For the past two years, I've been explaining to anyone that will listen, we are not in a recession. We are in, or close to, another Great Depression. Today I learn that the Commerce Department has acknowledged that our economy is "... contracting at a 0.5 percent rate." (Source)

Albeit, they're blaming the weather, which of course, is a lie. It's the unconstitutional regulations by unelected government officials. Contributing factors are the Affordable Care Act (ObamaCare). The willy nilly printing of money. The low interest rates which are only enriching bankers. The rampant inflation. The leaving of major corporations to offshore headquarters because of the aforementioned. The ever increasing taxes. The glaring incompetence displayed by elected leaders. The lack of morals by the majority. And on and on. It's an enormous economic, immorally driven snowball heading straight for financial hell. It's unsustainable. It's a comedy of errors contributing to a high rate of small businesses and family farms closing their doors forever. Small town America is disappearing before our very eyes which is leading to more and more urban decay and despair.

Even our pets are not immune. Ever increasingly, I'm seeing animals abandoned on the side of the road. It's a sad state of affairs!

The biggest obstacle of all is the man who calls himself Obama. He is the unmentionable 'leavings' stuck in the sewer pipe of America, clogging up commerce and denying Americans access to liberties. He and his kind call what is good evil and what is evil good. He is truly a type of anti-Christ.

Elected officials have become ditch decorators. They've chosen to do nothing to stop the madness. They are apparently hoping we will live in that painted, heavily mortgaged, boring concrete grey ditch while they live in palaces stolen from the Middle Class.

I wish paint was still cheap.

Ride Safe,

Better a poor man whose walk is blameless than a fool whose lips are perverse. It is not good to have zeal without knowledge, nor to be hasty and miss the way. A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD. Wealth brings many friends, but a poor man's friend deserts him. A false witness will not go unpunished, and he who pours out lies will not go free.

[Proverbs 19: 1-5]

The Sweet Smell Of Undress

Caught ya lookin' ... *giggle*

This morning, the unseasonably cool temperatures where calling. It was a siren song of the South of "Come outside and play."

As if I needed a good excuse to exercise the metal steed, I told myself I was dearly in need of more No Natz Bug Repellent from Thompsons in Baxley.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

This is what happens when one

puts the camera and the iced

Peanut Butter Energy Balls in the same tank bag.

Guilty! :))

Appling county really needs to

consider bringing back road side tables.

After the ride, I noticed my usually white riding jacket was a dingy grey. Hubby's was so dirty it looked completely black. We took the time to hand wash the jackets. Then I gently pulled all the liners from the helmets to be cleaned. Hubby washed down the outside of the helmets.

Remember this Dial soap commercial from the mid to late 1970s?

It's a woman is riding her bike and the lyrics are

"then Dial has enough to bring you home again,

still refreshed, feeling fine ... aren't you glad you use Dial?"

So we're smelling sweet now! And it's definitely Chef Leftover night.

Ride Safe,